My Choice, My Destiny
By Giselle S. Salem
It was a fine morning at school. I’m glad that I wasn’t late for school and for the first time, I arrived fifteen minutes earlier than the usual time I arrive. I really had a good mood for I don’t have to worry about assignments or quizzes. I feel so worry free! I went outside the room. I cross my arms and lean them on the railings. I love the weather. The air was cold and fresh. I looked around and I saw groups of students were coming; filling the once empty building and I could hear the noise starting to get loud. As I looked up two floors higher across me, someone caught my attention. He was standing on the doorway of his classroom; waiting for somebody, I suppose. Somebody did come to talk to him. They converse for awhile and then he smiled. Although I could not clearly see his face from afar, I could clearly see his wonderful and cute smile. That was the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen in a guy. “He smiles like an angel.” I thought.
From that day on, I had a crush on him. Well, he’s not that handsome but he is cute. He stood around 5’5” tall, he has ebony hair, round brown puppy eyes, and most of all, he had a killer smile that mesmerized me and almost drove me crazy every time I looked at it. He could have been an endorser of Colgate or Close Up for his smile. I never noticed him before until that morning. And since then, I always come to school early just to wait and see him come out the door of his classroom. By the way, I was still a junior high school this time and he was a senior.
One time, I was at the canteen with my friend Kaye. We were at a table, having our snacks. She was talking to me about something but my attention shifted when I saw him in another table together with his friends. He had with him a guitar and he start to play it. I could say that he’s a good player from the tune it makes. It made me admire him more for I really admire a guy who is good in playing the guitar.
Kaye noticed that I was not paying attention to her anymore and she snapped at me, “Sam! Are you still listening?”
“What?” I tried to recall what she had just said.
“See, you’re not listening.”
“Sorry.” I apologized.
“What’s on your mind? It seems like you’re suddenly out of your mind?” she asked curiously.
“Do you know that guy over there?” I lowered down my head and whispered, looking at his direction.
Kaye turned her back to see who I’m referring.
“The one with the guitar?” she asked as she face back at me.
“Yes.” I nodded.
“Yes. His name is Lance.” She answered.
“Are you friends?” I asked.
“Not really but we got acquainted.”
“How do you meet him?”
“Well, he is my cousin’s classmate.”
I just nod a little and bite a piece of doughnut.
“Why? You have a crush on him, aren’t you?” she teased.
For a moment I blushed. “Well, I think he’s cute and I like the way he plays the guitar.” I said. “But most of all, I think he has the most beautiful smile.”
She agreed with me.
“Do you want to meet him personally?” she asked excitedly.
“No thanks!” I answered curtly.
“Why not? He’s a totally nice guy.”
“Because I don’t want to! Period.”
“This could be your chance!” she exclaimed.
“What chance?”
“To have a relationship! You told me you never had a boyfriend before.”
That sounds embarrassing. I admit I never had a boyfriend. No one asked me yet.
“I know. I just want to depend it on my fate. I always believe in destiny. If we are really meant to be, in the end we will be together but if it’s not going to happen, then we are not meant to be for each other.” I sounded so philosophical.
“But your fate depends upon your choice! And if you choose to let the opportunity pass, then nothing will happen.” She said.
I ponder at the thought for a moment. It’s true! My fate depends upon my choice but I don’t have the nerve to go up to him and befriend him. Even if Kaye will bridge us, it is still so embarrassing. I’m not usually the one who will meet and befriend somebody. I just waited for someone to befriend me.
The next day, I got so pissed for I found out that my history book is lost. I can’t remember where did I last put it and I’m so worried for we will have a check-up test tomorrow.
“Kay, have you seen my history book?” I asked.
“I didn’t. Did you lost it?” she replied.
“Obviously!” I shouted at her unintentionally.
I admit that sometimes I could not control my temper or anger when I really got pissed. I could see in Kaye’s face that she was hurt with what I just said and I apologized quickly.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…”
“I understand.” Kay replied before I could even finish my sentence.
I really feel sorry for her. I’m just glad that Kaye understands me. Well, she always does. She’s really a good friend of mine.
“Sam!” someone is calling my name.
“What?” I turned around to see who’s calling me.
“Someone is looking for you.” It was Nathan who called my name.
“Who’s looking for me?” I asked curiously.
“I don’t know.” He answered plainly.
So I went outside the room to see who’s looking for me.
I was so shocked to see that it was…Lance!
As always, he is wearing his cutes, killer smile. My body was terribly shaking and my heart was beating fast.
“Samantha Ynarez, right?” he spoke in his gentle voice, smiling.
“Rr-right…” I answered. It was so embarrassing because I got tongue tied.
“I found your book at the canteen. You must have left it in your table so I decided to personally return this to you.” He said.
It was so nice of him. Instead of turning it over to the Prefect’s office, he personally return my book me. He handed me my history book and it was only then that I realized that I brought my history book with me yesterday at the canteen.
“Thank you!” I answered, half-smiling and still nervous.
There was like a moment of silence until he spoke again.
“By the way, I’m Lance.”
“Oh, nice to meet you Lance! I suppose you already know my name.”
“Yes. So, can we be friends?” he asked.
I was surprised again when he said that because I never thought that he wanted to befriend me, not even in my wildest dream. No guy had ever befriended me in such a formal way like Lance did. “Sure, why not?” I said, smiling.
Since that day we became friends, and eventually text mates. It only took a few weeks when he started to visit me in my classroom, send me sweet messages, and treat me to a movie.
I knew at that time that we’re not just friends. We share some kind of special friendship and we have a mutual understanding.
“Are you and Lance lovers?” Kaye asked me eagerly one time.
“No.” I answered plainly. How I wish we were!
“But you always go together and you said he treated you to movie. Isn’t he courting you?”
“I don’t know. We’re just friends.” I insisted.
“Friends? Are you sure that you are just friends because I heard that he gave you a stuff toy.”
“Okay, we’re best friends. That’s it.” I said.
The following week, we get to spend more time with each other and at the same time, we get to know more about each other. And then one time, he invited me to go to the beach with the rest of his friends. At first, I refuse to go because I don’t want to hang with him with his friends around but with his “convincing power” matched with sweet words, he made me go with him.
It was a fine sunny Saturday afternoon. The beach was great and the sea was cool and calm. It’s not a public beach actually. It was a private beach owned by one of Lance’s friend’s relatives.
While most of his friends went swimming, he invited me to go for a walk along the seashore.
“This beach is great, isn’t it?” he said.
“Yes. I like this beach. This place is wonderful.” I agreed.
It was also windy that my hair can’t stay on place. I got pissed when my hair cover my face. We paused for a moment. Lance might have noticed it that he gently pulled my tresses and try put it back in place. He was looking at me in the eyes and by the way he looked at me, it made my heart melt. I was so curious about his look that I finally asked him, “What are you staring at?”
“You are so beautiful.” He said in his soft sweet voice.
For a moment I blushed. “Thank you.” I answered in low voice.
“You know what, I think it’s time for me to confess my feelings for you.” He said as he gently held my hands.
Upon hearing on what he said, my heart beat fast; it gone wild like it was ready to burst. My legs were terribly shaking and my hands; cold as ice.
He drew his face near to mine and whispered to my ears those three lovely words: “I love you.”
“You’re the only person that ever made me feel this way. Everything seems so complete, now that you’re by my side.” He continued, facing me this time.
“I love you…would you accept my love, Samantha Isabelle Ynarez?”
I was like speechless. I could not utter a word. I stand still; staring at him with all the butterflies in my stomach.
“Would you say something?” He asked.
“Before I met you, my life was pointless. There’s no reason for anything.” I started. “And then you came into my life, least expected. I never thought that you would take notice on me. You give colors into my dull life, you became my inspiration, and for my whole life, I never felt so loved and cared like you do.” I told him, whole-heartedly.
“I love you too, Christopher Lance Fontanilla.” I gently whispered the words.
So that was it—the beginning of our relationship. We became official lovers on the 11th day of November 2006.
Since the day we became officially on, he would always visit me in my classroom to check me or talk to me, we always had our snacks or lunch together, and we go to a mall or watch a movie almost every weekend. We almost do everything together that unfortunately, I miss to spend time with my friends, classmates, and family. Also, I have forgotten my studies. For the three quizzes I had for the week, I failed in all miserably. My family didn’t have any idea what I’m up to. I tried to secret my relationship with Lance as possible because my parents won’t allow me to have a relationship. Then a few weeks after, I heard rumors about me pertaining with my relationship with Lance, and mostly they are negative. Rumors say that I’m a slut…that I seduce Lance and etc. I tried to ignore and let it pass. Good thing, Lance is always there to comfort me whenever I became so emotional. But as another week went by, the rumor became so intense and it had actually spread around the campus. I could not just ignore it anymore. It had actually stepped on my dignity. At one point, I became so hysterical and cried.
One night in my bed, I weep for what seems to be not so good that’s happening in my life. This is what I wanted; to be able to find the person I will love and will love me at the same way and yet there seems to be a consequence in everything; my friends almost turn their back at me, I neglected my studies, and worst, the malicious gossip. One time, I’m so happy, and now everything seems to be bitter. I became so confused. There were lot of thoughts that came into my mind that time and I don’t know what to do about it. I thought of it the whole night until I cry myself to sleep.
The next day, I waited for Lance to visit me in my classroom but he didn’t come. I later found out that he was absent the whole morning. So, I just met him after dismissal. We walked along the lonely street of the school in silence. I didn’t say anything to him.
“How are you today?” he finally asked.
“I’m fine.” I answered plainly without looking at him.
“What’s the matter with you?” he asked, sensing my being indifferent to him.
“Nothing.” I sounded to be okay but it didn’t convince him.
We paused for a moment and he tried to look at me.
“Just tell me the truth Sam. What’s bothering you?” he asked me desperately.
I look at him straight in the eyes. “Lance…I could not take this anymore.” I said in my low voice.
“What do you mean?” he asked with his face full of confusion.
“I can’t take the things that were happening to me now…the rumors…the bad things that they’ve been throwing at me…” I told him as I started to sob.
Lance tried to embrace but I pulled away.
“I think we should break up.” My voice was husky and almost distinct.
Lance was shocked and there was fear in his face; the fear of loosing me. I tried to look away from his face because I could not afford to look at him like that but he turned my face to him.
“You could not do this to me Sam. I love you…you love me…we love each other, and that’s all that matters. And about the rumors, I told you that it’ll be okay. I’m here for you. There’ll be no rumors soon. This will all pass and everything’s going to be fine. ” He said.
“It’s not just about the rumors Lance. It’s also about my family, my friends, my studies…and it’s also about me. I can’t take this any more, I can’t seem to handle this.”
“Don’t you love me?” his voice was pitiful and he started to cry too.
“I love you Lance, you knew that but if breaking up is the only thing that would resolve my problem, and then I will do it.”
“How can you say you love me and yet you choose to leave me?”
“Because there are things I need to resolve. I am so confused now, my mind is in chaos. I need to find myself and I need time on my own.”
I embraced him tightly and look at him for one last time before I turn my back at him and leave. Before I could get any step further, he pulled my left hand.
“Please, don’t leave me.” He begged.
“But I have to.” I answered as I gently pulled my hand off and leave him there, crying. It was not something I want to do but it was something I need to do. It was very painful of course and I’m sure that he’s hurt too. I love Lance so dearly and yet I choose to leave him.
“If Lance is really for me, then the universe will conspire for Lance to come back to me.” I thought.
The rumor had finally come to an end when they heard that I and Lance were over. I feel so good and relieved, much more when me and my friends reunited again. And about my studies, well, I began to progress and recover my low grades.
The following week, I heard that Lance is going out with someone. When I heard about it, I admit that I feel jealous but I have no right to get jealous because I and Lance were over. When everything seems settled and okay, I found myself missing him. I miss the time when he visits me in my class, when he accompany me to the locker and help me with my books, when we hang out together, or even when we walk alone in the street. I miss his sweet messages. I barely received a text message from him since then. I admit that I haven’t let go of him completely and that I still have feelings for him. I tried to erase him on my memory but he would always come back. Whenever I see my history book, it would remind me of him because it’s the reason why we became friends. When I thought of him, a song entitled “Missing You” would always play on my mind. It’s a song that I can relate to. Then eventually, tears would fill in my eyes; mostly they are tears of bitter sweet nostalgia.
It was already the month of December by the way and we had a Christmas party. Usually we have exchanging gifts. When I open my gift, I got a medium-sized Winnie the Pooh stuff toy and keychain. It reminded me again of Lance because his first-ever gift to me was a Winnie the Pooh stuff toy. Pooh wasn’t my favorite character but because of Lance it eventually became my favorite. Tears began to fill my eyes but I quickly wipe them off because I don’t want my classmates to see that I am still affected.
Jade, one of my classmates invited us all to her birthday party at their home after the party. All of them were going except me. I couldn’t have fun at times like this.
“Are you sure you don’t want to go?” Kaye asked.
“Yes. It’s just that I’m not feeling good.” I lied.
I talk to Jade personally that I cannot go to her party with the rest of my classmates.
My classmates bid good-bye to me as they rode in two huge Starex vans.
“Good-bye! Enjoy!” I greeted just before the sliding door of the van was closed.
Now, I’m all by myself. I walked along the lonely street of the school. I saw some people passing by me. Mostly they wore happy faces as they celebrate the spirit of Christmas, ironic to mine. This could be my saddest Christmas. I was so down and blue. Then suddenly, someone called my name from the back. I recognized that sweet soft voice. It was his voice. I turn around and see him standing just few steps from me. He slowly walked towards me. He glared at me.
“Merry Christmas!” his voice was exuberant and he was wearing his smile; my favorite smile. He then handed me a card. I open the envelope excitedly and read what’s inside with my eyes.
It was a short poem or a song lyric, I suppose. I like most the part that goes like this:
Love, I see forever in your eyes
I can see heaven in your smile
And when I hold you close
I don’t want to let go
Because deep in my soul
I know girl that you are the only one I see
Your love means everything to me
I know that we will never part
Coz you’ll always be near, here in my heart.
It really touched me. My heart throbbed and I could not stop my tears from falling. I looked at him and he was still smiling.
“Thank you!” I said with my voice barely audible. That’s all I can say even though there’s still a lot I wanted to say.
“I wish you a Merry Christmas.” He said.
He gave me a kiss on the cheek. His kiss lingered on that portion of my cheek and I got mesmerized. He bid good-bye and slowly walked away.
“Please stay, I do want you to go.” These were the words I want to say but I could not say. I still love him. Well, my feelings for him never changed. He’s always in my heart.
“If he really is for me, then he should stay.” I thought but then I remember what Kaye told me before: Your fate depends upon your choice. Now, if I let him go, then nothing will happen but if I choose to love him, then I have to do something to get him back. Without having any second thoughts, I shouted his name, “Lance!”
Lance stopped and turned to look at me. I ran towards him and throw my arms around him. I embrace him so tightly and tears starts to flow from my eyes.
“I don’t want you to go…I love you Lance…” I cried as I dig my face in his broad shoulders. My words were almost unclear.
I gently pull my face and look at him. He didn’t say anything at first but he started to tear too.
“Now, I don’t care about the people around as long as there was me and you. It’s not about them, it’s about us. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I love you more than anything in this world and I can’t get through with my life without you.” I continued.
“Will you please say something?” I asked, almost begging.
Still, he didn’t say anything but instead he hold my face with his bare hands, rubbing off my tears with his thumb. He glared at me with that lovely look as he gently pulled my face to his and our lips met. His lips were soft, sweet, and warm. Then, he parted his lips gently.
“I love you Samantha and you always knew that. My love for you will never fade as long as I live…and even until death!” he said sincerely.
“I always believed in destiny like if someone is meant for me, then he will stay no matter what. But now, I realized that it’s not just all about destiny. It’s still about the matter of choice. My destiny depends upon my choice, and I choose to love you Lance!” I said.
“Now, do you still believe in destiny?” he asked me with his teasing smile.
“I don’t know but I firmly believe that you are my destiny.” I answered.
We kissed again. First it was gentle, and then we put more passion on it. I could feel the heat and the electricity that came from him.
After that, we hugged each other so tightly; tighter than before. I am so happy that we’re together again and by all means, I am forgiven.
“Thank you…” I whispered into the vast cloudless sky and gently close my eyes.
And there I was, embracing the person I love with all the butterflies fluttering in my stomach.
Then suddenly, someone called my name.
“Sam! Sam!” it was loud and clear and it kept on repeating my name. Then I felt that my body was shaking.
I gently open my eyes and saw my mom standing in front me although my vision was blurry.
“Mom?” my voice was barely audible as I tried to rub my eyes to clear my vision.
“It’s already 6:30 AM. You’ll be late for school again!” she said.
“What?!” I began to panic.
“Come down now.” Mom said as she went off my room.
“What a dream…how I wish it would happen!” I thought.
I looked at the alarm on my side table.
“Oh my God, it’s already quarter to seven! I’m late again!” I grumbled as I slowly stood up.
So it was all but a dream? I rub my eyes again and pinch my cheek to see if I’m just dreaming or not. It was really just a dream and yet it was so realistic. It was wonderful yet elusive. From that dream, I changed my view about love and destiny.
First, to love someone is to understand each other, to laugh together, to smile with your heart and to trust one another. Moreover, love reminds me that nothing else matters.
Second, love is not all about destiny. It is still the matter of choices.
The End
